A Conversation With A Shadow in My Head

I see you standing near a window
the sun stream into your face
you look at me with pity gaze
but I welcome you with a smile
I don’t remember how I started
I just realise that I’ve been talking too much
while you keep standing out of my touch

you let me pour my feeling
not interrupt even once just listening
you were the best thing I ever had
to see you again make me too happy to be sad
but, I can see the emptiness inside
it’s like you lose all the emotions
I think I know why you choose silence

after long hours then you finally say
‘you know that I’m not here, right?’
I release a defeated long sigh
with teary eyes I sadly noded
‘do you mind if keep talks to you?’
and you become quiet again
while I gather strength the best I can

A Conversation About Love

I remember a day
we sat together outside
I remember the wind breeze
moving your curly-messy brown hair
then I see leaves fall to the ground
relinquish themselves from tree branches
they were falling sincerely
like they knew it has to be
like it was their destiny

and then suddenly
you asked me about love
while gazed to the overcast above
the clouds were cluster over our head
I feel like I need time to think
I imagined about many things
Just like when I drink less coffee
because you ask me
to change it with green tea

or when I drove miles away
just to get on time on your birthday
or when I tried to comfort you
when I was barely controlling my breathing
or when I was smiling away the blues
because i know it will be hard for me
to see you don’t know what to do
I could just say those things to you
but my tongue gets tied

when I asked you about love
you imagined being a balloon
that free itself from someone hands
keep going up surrounded with freedom
because you can’t stand boredom
and I understand what you want
without having to see it on your face
I know the feeling has long gone
you have made it clear where is my place

finally, you left
and I am still bereft
i have been sitting for hours
thinking about your question
also, remember your curly-messy brown hair
I guess after all this time
I don’t know what love is
because I have given anything
yet, for you, there’s always one thing

A Hidden Feeling

the storm already come
soon I knew there’s something broken
which I thought it was a long time frozen
still, I’m hurting by an expectation
when silence strikes like a hurricane
from my eyes dripping pouring rain
I never get the situation right
the sound of myself get trapped inside
between darkness which holds me tight
also, hopeless feeling that I can’t fight
you’ve always been my guiding light
although our lines never collide

the skies turn into grey
I keep wondering why
never be forgotten
now this feeling is a burden
too big for me to carry
I get stuck in the web of histories
and I can’t drown all the memories
but, by imagining I found a remedy
and help me feel less lonely
sometimes it also takes me back to the reality
that you’re way too high to reach
there’s always the distance between you and me

there’s no sunset to see today
the storm no longer stay
I thought everything has changed
but this feeling still the same
we’re both bad at letting go
and share sadness through writing
buried within layers of layers skin
spreading in my bloodstream
the reason you always in my dreams
keeping me not to scream
sometimes I feel like I hear your voice
although just muffled low noise

I realise there is no bridge
we both standing in opposite ridge
too many things that can’t be fixed
the feelings which easily get mixed
your jet black heart
and my mind that way too dark
I wish one day I can say
there is a part of you which stay the same
although you’ve changed with time
you will always ever glow
I love you but you never know
in the end, I’m just a shadow

Get Tricked

my feelings dripping
like a faucet that never fixed
now, my body easily get trembling
ever since you get me your tricked
my poor heart—drop
the second I see
the curve that your mouth made
every word that you said
find a way to get stuck in my head
burning my heart- red
there is no way out
I tell myself louder
repeating like an alarm

and the time goes by
now you’re like overflowing sink
meanwhile, I can’t even think
and that’s why keep drinking
to wash you away
my poor heart—can’t stop
to not to used feeling a lot
then suddenly everything is black
your hair, my heart,
and the distance that I can’t cut back
the only thing I know for a fact
there is no way out
I want to tell you in a whisper
but I getting further

her

Photo by Joe Green from Unsplash

as i sit down on the floor
with a black dog blocking the door
it’s like i’m looking in a mirror
i thought i am the author
but, she also is the actor
she has played a part
there’s nothing i can do to restart
slowly, i lost my heart
because she makes me fight
whatever plight
to keep the light

she sees me breathing
give me a chance to resting
and i keep staring
to the keys that dangling in her hand
she is smiling as if she understands
i am hiding my sigh know this will not end
it’s hard to find it when you knew it
in the end, you try to get along with
you may lose the spirit
but, you don’t have to quit
it’s easy to say about it
when you can out of your mind a bit

an hour without a conversation
she still doing her observation
while i wish for salvation
all the love that i’ve had down
in the frozen ground
i see the pain spreading in my veins
i want her to lift away
but, she stays as long as i stay
and i have no more word to say

From Afar

Photo by Ilyuza Mingazova from Unsplash

your back is the only thing
the only that I can stare
call me selfish but I won’t share
and I wouldn’t dare
to asking too much
know you impossible to touch
even deep down
underneath my melted skin
I want to get a hint
getaway to your head, to looking
turn down to your heart, where I’m staying
but, through staring between your back
realise there is a distance that I can’t cut back
the only thing I know for a fact
there’s no more flow
unless the red ones inside of me
this feeling is a tragedy
still, I keep you as a memory

A New Year

took this photo at my rooftop

I take my time

while people making a resolution

instead, I’m diminishing expectations

a new year doesn’t always mean a different situation

still, I’ll run into some complication

people wish to finish the unfinished

in their head there are lists

mostly about unspecific and cliche things

the worst part is I’ve the same feeling

even on the first day, I can’t stop to overthinking

I take my time

while people dissolved in celebration

I prefer to fly with imagination

to come into realisation as getting older

if life doesn’t get easier

Nothing In-Between

Photo by Andrik Langfield from Unsplash

there is no in-between
I can’t put myself in it
because there’s no middle ground
no grey area meant to be found
there are only two options around
I just keep ignoring it
from the beginning
when I decided to fall
I unconsciously am willing
to give you anything
even if I get nothing
in return

and now loving you
already costs too much
of my heart
there’s no way back to the start
loving you takes everything
there’s only two obvious ending
either it makes me complete
equip my heartbeats
or leaves me empty
struggle to make it through reality
and never will be
something called in-between

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