Notes From Feelings

Strange(r at) Home

I can’t close my eyes to get rest
I’ve disturbed with stones in my chest
my mind could never be thinking less
and my dreams turn into nightmares

I see my surrounding instead
while I’m paralysing on bed
this house doesn’t feel like home
I’ve tried but I couldn’t make it like home

it’s like there is something missing
whether inside me or this place
I feel like it’s too haunted for me to be brave
and I want to leave but, this is all I have

I can’t close my eyes to get rest
lately staying awake is what I do best
it’s like everything has fallen apart
and I don’t know how to restart

I want to take myself
back to the blue side
the time when I see
the world as white as snow
when I don’t put myself in a show
before I got tangled with my shadow
but, my eyes see differently now
all I think about are questions of how
the world become as cruel as snow
with less light for tomorrow

I want to get myself
back to the spring day
the time when I can feel the sun rays
when the sky wasn’t grey
when I’m not easily getting astray
and thinking about runaway
but, nothing gold can stay
I can’t prevent things or people
even myself from going away
now, the world has made me pray

I want to contain myself
a part of me who smiles innocently
haven’t caught up with worries
thinking about what to eat
and crying myself to sleep
a pattern that I’ve done on a repeat
but, I can’t remember the feeling
when I was happy with just breathing
or see the sun slowly sinking
now, I don’t know where I’m going

I want to carry myself
a part of me who as white as snow
the time when many things I didn’t know
the side when I feel the wind sing to me
and the night still have light to see
before I have to handle what’s underneath
the waves that make me hard to breathe
I know that time was a long time ago
and it’s faded the older I become
but, I need it to keep holding on

This Is A Reminder

I do not know what you were thinking
or how you were feeling
or why were you crying
when there is only the two of us here
I want to wash away your fears
and wipe away your tears
I want to say that you will be okay
there are will be happy days
that waiting for you ahead
you are not supposed to always sad
I will be with you every step of the way
even when you are astray
I will lighten your day when it is grey
please, just do not lose your faith

I know it is easier to say
when you are having a good day
I did not mean to sound a cliche
but, your problems are in your head
while you keep overthinking on bed
it is getting bigger and make you forget
to live in the moment that you have
the darkness will always be there
but, you can always get to go somewhere
to the place where the sun shining through
you do not have to linger if you do not want to
just remember that you do not need to say
because I will be with you every step of the way

I do not know how not to feel bitter
or how to make you feel better
it is hard to live in this crazy world
no one knows how to truly living
people are just good at pretending
while hoping to the cliche thing
that in the end, everything will be okay
somehow everyone finds a way
and you will find yours too
although sometimes you do not have a clue
it is okay to cry your heart out
I wish I know how to get you out
from the pain that you have drenched in
I will keep fighting so you can win

Stranded in a Desert

I feel like I have stranded
in the unknown desert
with no one by my side
I have tried to keep walking
although I am exhausting
I just have to get out of here

but, the sands are my mistakes
in every step that I take
it gets heavier for me to make
without breaking down
I just want to leave the ground
I want to be found

I have been screaming to the wind
I have been wasting my tears
but, I still haunted by my endless fears
and the sands keep buried my feet
it is getting hard to fake what I feel
I just have to get out of here

I look up to the sky
looking for distraction
other than feel this desperation
I ask my brain to remember
the good days when I am younger
before the nights get darker

I keep walking forward
although my feet get hurt
while keep looking up for a reason
I know that I am my own salvation
I wish it is true that the end is near
because I have to get out of here

A Gift for You

I want to give you my light
the one that keeps on bright
to show you which the right
to remind you to keep the fight
also to guide you along the way
so, you won’t get astray
it will illuminate your day
it will warm your heart like sun rays
to become a hope for you to stay
I don’t need it anymore, anyway
I know that you already have it
but, you will need more of it
whenever the world becomes cold
it will wrap you like a coat
so, you can avoid the clouds

I want you to know
that light will everglow
always be with you wherever you go
one day, somehow
it will make your heart remember me
that the time when I should say sorry
don’t save all those anger inside your body
it just draining your energy
just accept and let it be
may you can less worry
I want to see you happy
I hope those lights it’s enough
to protecting you
from whatever sorrow
you will be going through tomorrow

An Explanation You Need to Hear

I’m sorry that you have to
see the way I’m breaking
if you only knew that I’ve been trying
not to burst out and explode
it’s way painful to hold
this time it just hits me
differently and mercilessly
strikes me fast
harder than the last
and I’m crushed

I don’t know what you think
but, I know what I feel
and it isn’t a new feeling
it’s come then go and it’s real
this is more than just a phase
I can’t even frame it into a phrase
all I got to say it’s something
I couldn’t easily deal with
or quickly heal by having a good sleep
I don’t know what to do about it

for as long as I remember
I’ve been fighting it over
it’s growth not only inside me
but also with me
and I’m truly sorry
to make you confused and worried
at some point somehow
I think you should know
if I have the pain I couldn’t show
and I frequently caught up in the low

it’s not your fault for not knowing
because it’s my speciality to pretending
just be there and be patience
to bear with my silence
whenever the darkness stays
there’s no easy way to survive each day
it’s annoying how easily I get unsteady
that’s why I need you to be with me
to show if this life is worth to fight for
so I have reason to win the war

One Package

whenever I get happiness
there is an underlying sadness
that I couldn’t shake away
I smile but storms always find its way
you think that I am okay
while I have lost my good days

you need to look deeper
to know the difference
to understand why I suffer
but I promise you, I won’t surrender
although inside my head gets darker
and my shadow gets bigger

if I could just transfer
this pain to papers
to make myself lighter
but, sometimes reality turns out bitter
I just want to feel and get better
by telling myself no pain is forever

The Parting Plan

these days I have been thinking
keep busy daydreaming
and weigh the possibilities
I spend my time to imagine
the unforeseen future ahead of me
I can see you shine more brightly
getting further from my reach

there is fear that keeps creeping in
while memories seeping through my veins
I can feel the tears finds its way
made from words that I could not say
if I could then I would choose to stay
but, the time keeps moving away
I want to stop it even just for a day

I do not know where it’s come from
but, there is this voice in my head
that say if I could not run along with you
like I used to, although you wish and want me to
there will be a day where I could only see
from a place that separates you and me
that you will get higher than you used to be

these days i have been thinking
a cliche thing that people are saying
about good things that come to an end
no matter how long, there always be an end
it is like two sides of the coin that inevitable to avoid
we know although do not want to admit it
I know but, could not keep ignore it

when that time finally comes
i will be thank you sincerely
although my heart will be burning painfully
this is the part that I am not good at
neither of us prepared for the farewell
because it is gonna feel like hell
but, I believe somehow we will get well

Longing is Heavy

I look at the clock on the wall

it’s almost four in the morning

habitually, my mind is still racing

I’m tired but couldn’t sleep

this sadness is way too deep

I look at the pitch-black sky

there are no stars left to see

I wonder could you look at me

from your place that I can’t reach

a place that i wish where I suppose to be

I look at the pale new moon

while think he will leave me soon

the air is cold but I stuck in my place

I feel something warm running on my face

this longing comes like the waves

I look at my reflection in the mirror

it’s like I can’t get out of this horror

I’m tired but not only my body

because I’m not who I used to be

with this grief linger inside me

Today the Sky Makes Me Sad

today, I look up to the sky

I wonder how it feels to fly

in between white clouds

not toward the sun

but, I hope I fly toward you

today, the air that I breathe is dry

I say to myself that I won’t cry

I just want to talk you about something

from above maybe you already can tell

that I haven’t been doing well

today, I look up to the sky

to be reminded that I could never fly

I’ve tried to hold what I hide

but, I have burdens in my head

and the sky suddenly makes me sad

today, I look up to pray

that we both are okay

if only you knew how desperately

I want to talk to you these days lately

I hope that you also pray for me