Notes From Feelings

Museum Mind of Mine

I see you only when
I close my eyes but then
the moment I open them
I see everything around me
but not the one that I need

memories are easily playing
and there is something burning
inside of me, it is a familiar feeling
I remember it just the same
like it is my second name

I miss you only when
the night feels longer and
lately, I feel it all the time
in the morning I manage to be fine
while at night I stray from the line

the feelings that remain
become unbearable pain
that couldn’t erase by the rain
I’ve planted you too deep in my brain
now those feelings sting in my veins

I think of you only when
I am back facing the same end
I wish I know how to prevent
myself falling from the high sky
because of you I even try to fly

now I am lying on the ground
alone silently wishing to be found
the world is still spinning around
while I am frozen trapped in a hole
wonder could ever be whole

I hear you only when
I close my eyes to listen and then
your heavy voice plays over again
the things you said stuck in my mind
stay in the museum mind of mine

when the days get heavy
or when I fall back unsteady
and there is no light I could see
I close my eyes then dream of the sea
for a moment somehow suddenly
I could hear you sing a song for me
with the sound of waves underneath
I try to control my racing heartbeat
also, my breathing a bit by a bit
imagine hearing your voice
somehow could make me at ease
if I could just keep the feeling like this

I know that you are not here
I am here but I am not either
I suppose it does not matter
because I am too tired to care
all I have done vanishes into the air
now I am slowly drowning in despair
the nightmare come often
and the storm here to stay longer
and the shadow gets bigger
and the nights seem darker
I do not want to cry now or later
but I break that way to feel better

I still close my eyes to listen
this time I let go of expectations
try not to think about my burdens
while you keep singing a song on repeat
saying where there is hope, there is hardship
there is always a feeling that I can not beat
even if I have good quality sleep
even if I waste my time to sit and weep
I have been falling to the dark too deep
I wonder will tomorrow be different
will you be enough to be a reason
that help me not to surrender

If Only I Could

I want to keep you
in every step of the way
but, I know it’s hard for me to do
I have moments when I fall back into
the darkness that makes me astray
moments when I could push you away
even if I didn’t mean what I do nor say

I want to contain you
in every piece of my days
but, I know it’s difficult for me to do
because I have days with no clue
days when just heavy to get through
and those days easily break me in two
I feel that I am a disappointment to you

I want to hold on to you
in every lost hope when I’m astray
but, I know it’s selfish for me to do
to make you also feel the wave and blues
I just miss the way when I worried nothing
when you and I were innocently smiling
when we were surrounded only with good things

Daydreaming

and I close my eyes to feel
a repeating dream that seems real
where we do not have to always run
when we are laying to see the setting sun
it would be nice if it is not only in my mind
because I want to hold your hands
but, I do not know how to make you mine
I just know where my place to stand

I guess I start to understand
why mostly dreams are beautiful
made me keep holding on to
although sometimes they are painful
because not all can come true
when I open both my eyes again
I feel empty and lost all alone
with sadness glued in my bones

I wish you can see me here
call your name in a whisper
to tell you that we are so similar
the quiet ones with myriads of feeling
I do not want to scream your name
I want to keep you just for myself
the world does not have to know
you are the one who supposes to know

and I like to close my eyes to feel
that the dream in my head seems real
you will be saved inside my blue dream
when there is no distance to swim
you are by my side to see the sky is burning
even if it will be helplessly disappearing
when I open my eyes to the reality
but I promise it will be saved within me

The Blue Within Me

I want to run away from this gloom
so I let my mind lost in my room
the only place where I can be true
to myself and do what I want to
with a heart that has broken in two
I look at the ceiling like I always do
the ceiling that my dad was painted blue
the colour that represents my mood
an inexplicable mixed feeling with no root

memories of the old days flooding in
my childhood phase when I was white and clean
a moment when I calmly played with the wind
when I burden-less innocently beamed
when I truly believe in all my dreams
before I learned the world could be mean
and does not work the way I have imagined
before I have scars that can not be seen
and breakdown become a familiar scene

I want to escape from this enormous gloom
to the time when the flower beautifully bloom
when the sun rays fell on morning dew
and the sky is always bright cloudless blue
when I do not think about what I suppose to do
or tangled up in confusion without a clue
now I am longing for that past view
the gold days when I simply felt good
before I got stuck inside this dark wood

the moment when ignorance is a bliss
when I was happy only to feel the breeze
when looking at the blue sky put me at ease
before overcast makes me hard to breathe
that moment was long gone but it was exist
now I could only hold those inside my wish
while still looking for the lost peace
if only I could contain everything that I miss
maybe I would not be grey like this

I get my mind back into this small room
I am singing my blues under the moon
still fixed my eyes on the ceiling that blue
although slowly my sight becomes a blur
with tired tears that I did not mean to
I try not to think about how to get through
nothing works the way I want them to
and I want to tightly hug my childhood
because I am afraid to face the truth

Inside That Memory

I open my eyes and see
everything around me
become different than it used to be
I look up to see the colour of the sky
that is clearer and blue than ever
the air that I breathe no longer dry
I feel like my sight is cleaner

then I recognise a familiar face
that I look for in every place
she stands in front of me with bare feet
she smiles at me, looking sweet
I am glad that we finally meet
under the sunlight, I run toward her
but my tears turn outrun faster

for a while, I do not remember much of the past
nor worried about the future that comes fast
I just let myself drown at the moment
when me and her sing and dance together
when we laugh and comfort each other
I hug her to release my longing burden
and silently wishing to stay a little longer

I close my eyes to remember
everything I have dreamt to feel better
to tell myself if all farewell is bitter
there is no such a thing as easy surrender
I know that she also already know
if sometimes all we need is to let go
because there is always a price to grow

I open my eyes with a deep breath
everything around me already set
I look up to the sky once again to see
the colour still blue with clouds that follow
under the sun I dance with a shadow
I am smiling with tears and just let it be
I can always meet her inside that memory

Reinforcing

I know that you are scared
of course, you are scared
to the thing that you do not know
to the blur about tomorrow
a familiar feeling that you can not show
and I am not asking you not to
or saying that you just need to get through
because that is more than just saying
a cliche ‘I believe in you’ thing
sometimes it is help nothing

you have a right to feel scared
although you have been prepared
no matter how hard you have tried
those fears will not easily wash away
although it is creeping inside you every day
does not lessen the measure of it right away
if you ask me then honestly I am scared too
because I do not know how to protect you
from possibilities and uncertainties
that often bring us to our knees

we both are scared but I am still care
that is why I want you to be aware
if there are things that out of your control
but you have to keep defence your wall
no matter how high the place you fall from
or how frequently you got stuck in the storm
there will be a time when good times roll
you will be right in the place where you belong
I know it is easier to say but you have to carry on
because in the end the time and life goes on

whenever you feel almost crazy
close your eyes and breathing properly
try to not to think about anything
you may still afraid of something
but, I know that you will be alright
the morning will come again after the night
you could not make everything right
nothing is designed to be perfect anyway
sometimes we have to feel a little astray
but, in the end, there will always be way

Be Here

the world has broken
everyone in two
and I heard you often
lately feeling blue
you let your eyes wide open
at night try to win a battle
that you can’t always handle

I don’t know how you feel
sometimes what I see isn’t real
it’s a part of your highlight reel
but, whenever you feel overwhelming
or when you drown in the longing
with anything bad that happening
then, I will be here waiting

because I like to listen to you
about what you have been through
or some things that you want to do
or new songs that you listened to
I couldn’t make your burden disappear
but, if I could make you feel lighter
I would do anything to help you feel better

currently, the reality hasn’t been easy
uncertainty is the only thing we can see
this year has made everyone crazy
it’s the same for you and me
but if you are ever in need
and want to relieve some grief
you know that I am here

because I will always be here
if you want to share your fears
or couldn’t hold back your tears
when you down on your knees
and need someone to make you at ease
whenever you need me, dear
I will always be right here

A Helpless Witness

she has something
that she tries to avoid
but she can’t wash away the feeling
that she’ll always have the void
she has a problem with balancing
but very good at pretending
I thought she always knew
what she has been doing
turns out she has no clue
just like everyone else

she has low serotonin
mixed with the lack of dopamine
made her difficult to stay clean
she rarely says amen
she doesn’t know what to believe in
I suppose to have something to say
when I saw her breakdown twice in a day
instead, I just told her something cliche
I want to help figure out her mind
but, I’ve barely known mine

she lays down on the floor
the melatonin in her
don’t seem to be working anymore
she has spent her first six hours
realise sweet old times turn to sour
she said what’s the point of sleeping
if she can’t rest her mind from thinking
there’s no simple way to alleviate the pain
I tell her that she can dance in the rain
only if she wants to although it’s pouring

she’s too deep wallow in the blues
I saw she has a few bruises
she has another colour to choose
rather than keep blending with the black
but, it’s hard to talk to her
when all she thinks about is surrender
it’s not new for both of us
I’ve been knowing her burden
that she has been carrying in her shoulder
for as long as that I could remember

she is poisoning her veins
it doesn’t help to fix her brain
what she’s been avoiding
it will always there
she wants to change
I want her to try
no need for her to fly
and she lays down on the floor
she tried her best to be strong
but, in the end, her guard down

this too shall pass, she whispers
whether she asked me
or just talking to herself
I look at her, I thought she is staring
at the ceiling but, her gaze passed it
I care to her just like no other
is it just me or is it getting crazier out there?
she says and I just staring at the ceiling
because I also questioning
about the same thing

The Rain

Photo from Unsplash by Glenn Carsten-Peters

it is pouring on the outside
it is like washing the night
and I can sense in the air
there is a familiar smell
that I inhale to my lungs
as I exhale the heavy sigh
that I realise it is a sign
my heart suddenly sinking
while my whole body aching
does He know that I am in pain?
Is that why He send this rain?

there are a pile of questions
that mixed with confusion
in my head and yet
there is no answer has set
there are myriads of feeling
that comes like waves, crushing
in my chest and yes
it is both my curse and blesses
there is a void hidden underneath
that consume my heartbeat
sometimes makes me hard to breathe
inside of me and I just let it be
no one knows it other than me

I look out through the window
while thinking about tomorrow
now I feel the rain flow rapidly
falling from under my red eyes
the thunder strikes to say hello
I look up and see there is no halo
I could only see the moon shadow
under the gloomy night
I am shattering while hoping the light
can get in through my cracks
but, I can only feel the flood instead
deplete me without mercy inside out
and the sound of the rain is getting loud