Notes From Feelings

Semicolon;

and it continues
after everything that came to me
the sleepless nights of overthinking
while drowning in the mixed feelings
I try to sing so that I do not sink deeper
into the vast mysterious ocean within
that I am quite afraid of it sometimes
of the power that the ocean holds
the way it’s calm on the surface
but there are raging waves on their depth

I have written about the ocean and waves
way too many times and still quite unsure
whether I am captivated by its sparkling skin
that kissed by the sunlight on a summer day
or attracted by its strength behind silence
that helps people to keep fighting for a living
or the duality of blue that astonished me
the gentle moving rhythmic sounds like a lullaby
yet a second later it can bring the most lethal tsunami
or maybe simply because the ocean resembles me

and it continues
after nightmares that keep visiting me
without warning let alone permission
based on fears that I have been fighting
for years and yet they know how to easily
drain my tears and make my sight unclear
so that I questioned why I still am being here
when all I wanted to is disappear into the air
I try to breathe so that I can feel the breeze
but my nerves could not slow down even for a bit

I have often written about the darkness
even when I open my eyes in a broad daylight
I can feel the way it creeps into my bones
there are days when I unavoidably fall back into
the circle of a cycle I cannot break away from
get strikes by the same pain with different forms
when I feel like wandering aimlessly in the limbo
with ‘I don’t know’ as a default answer I can only give
sometimes I just helplessly let the dark consumes me
because my body is exhausted and my soul is weary

and I continue
after a long way with twisted turns and stones
even though I am still battling with an old friend
and still carrying the weight of the black and blues
while hoping that I won’t change into the worst—
kind of a person that I swear I would never become
even with the raging waves of the vast ocean underneath
that drown me in the darkness of bottomless uncertainty
I decided to keep my head high and my blood flowing and
keep my pulse alive to the very end of my finish line

Made a Peace From Pieces that Are Remained

I used to cling to the memories
before I learned they did not define me
but I couldn’t take them off easily
like a coat, it’s wrapped around my body
like my past, it’s always followed me
my future seems distant and blurry
some of the memories are bad and hurt
made me want to run away from
but I feel like I am a castaway in a desert
and can’t always win the fight against the storm
I know there are some of it which are unforgettable
that I want to be able to remember them forever
but then inside my head, they faded faster

I don’t know why the bad remain
it is not like I purposely maintain
if the bad things frequently linger
why can’t we keep the goods longer
why do the good things easily disappear?
I don’t ask to but what’s hurt me is near
cooperate with my burdens and fears
I know I say that I’ve learned the errors
I already understand myself better
try not to dwell in the past anymore
the memories still exist within my core
both the bad and good, I’ve created them
so I guess I have to learn to live with them

(Happy) New Year

she closes both her tired eyes
breathe the air deeply and lays
in her bedroom, she can hear
the fireworks and the loud cheers
from people that are celebrating
a thing that is just the same thing
for her, everything is only temporary
so why bother to waste time and energy

outside her small bedroom still
she can hear the noises so clear
people are busy welcoming a new year
but for her is just another regular year
where she has to battle again with fears
she will try so hard to not drown in tears
and tear herself when the storm is near
while wishing she no more wants to disappear

she prays quietly in a whisper
that sadness will go easy on her
that happiness won’t be hard to find
that the world won’t mess up her mind—
that love won’t hurt her heart more
than what she already has gotten before
that the darkness won’t stay around too long
she wishes that can finally feels belong

inside her, there are so many things
that silently she has been carrying
but she has the look like nothing
because she is good at pretending
that is how she has been learning
that is how she has been building
the wall that kept her from everything
that is her way to keep surviving

and the noises don’t bother her anymore
that is how life has been outside the door
she only feels safe inside her bedroom
befriend with solitude and the moon
her eyes are still closed, but she is far from asleep
her hopes that this year will make her less weep
there is no such a thing as a new year for her
because every day is the same fight for the future

Dear My Future Self,

I heard that you are not feeling well
I could see it although you did not tell
always trying to seem fine and well
although you feel like living in hell
cover your tears with that sweet smile
convince everything will be okay in a while
and keep walking lightly for another mile

I think that you need time to rest
your mind could not be thinking less
while your chest caught up in a mess
I know you always have done your best
regardless of how hard the tests
still, you feel did not have enough progress
while everything needs time to process

I do not know why you are so hard
on yourself and force your heart
to hide the fact that you are falling apart
when you can be honest from the start
to the people who are always by your side
to the one who will pick up your broken parts
even after you have ruined and seriously collide

I try to understand why you try
to always be strong and tell lies
that you cannot always hide in your eyes
when you can safely be open and cry
let it roll on your cheek no need to deny
to the one who helps you to see the sky
the one who won’t leave you high and dry

I see that you just want to be kind
in a world where most people are blind
but you do not have to cross your own line
and burn yourself to be everyone’s sunshine
because you will end up losing your mind
people easily come and go by design
and you are the one who will stay behind

I hope that you can be truly happy
live life the way you want it to be
without drowning overthinking the unnecessary
and swallow your emotions deliberately
and sabotage your body, but never say sorry
someday, you will finally set yourself free
toward the place where you are meant to be

How Being at the Peak of Crisis Feels Like

as foolish as it sounds
I am here but want to be found
whatever I am trying to run from
it is inside me in a different form
a familiar twist wrecking storm

as strange as it sounds
the will within me slowly withdrawn
it is easier to let myself drown
all the things that made me down
keep my eyes wide awake until dawn

as confused as it sounds
I continuously keep looking around
lost in the intricacy of my hometown
trying to figure out what I want
should I give up? but I know I won’t

as exhausted as it sounds
I could only lay on the cold ground
surrounded by fear of the unknown
manage myself not to breakdown
and again, I say goodbye at dawn

as surrender as it sounds
I look into those tired two browns
there is a small light so profound
that she always has since she was born
the one that keeps me holding on

A Positive Affirmation Injection

I always think there will be a tomorrow
although I have drowned in sorrow
with a shattered heart that feels hollow
have no clues where I can borrow
the time when I need a moment to slow—
down my breath and match my step to follow
the world’s change that I could never know
but I always think there is a tomorrow

I always think that no matter what, I will be okay
although here and there, I have lost my way
days and nights, my sight is clouded grey
and most of the time, I feel like a castaway
with the thought of the cost that I have to pay
for growing up and fighting a way to stay—
alive by keep looking for a place to runaway
but I always think that in the end, I will be okay

I always think that you can see me
from the highest height that I cannot reach
in a place where you are safe and free
from the world’s catastrophe and cruelty
now I can only meet you in dreams and fantasies
while making up my version of stories and memories
where you are still here and be my company
I always think you can see how I have not been happy

I always think that I can get through—
my mundane and welcome the day anew
although with the heart that has broken into two
mind gripped with fears that I cannot unscrew
also feeling that familiar with the blue hue
because I have been carrying the longing for you
but I know that you think I can get through
deep down, I also hope for me the same thing as you

A Story About A Broken Girl

she has red eyes at night
the result of battles she cannot fight
although she turns on the light
but inside her head still dark
she has lost all the sparks

alcohol does not excite her anymore
the world has collapsed her on the floor
everything around her blending in the storm
the only thing she can see is the blue ceiling
that often represent her deepest feeling

she thinks the chemicals inside her brain
has made her in constant great pain
the darkness strikes like a hurricane
and her lack of serotonin is the cause
of why the blue she feels the most

her parents do not have any clue
that her sickness is not the same as flu
how she has been struggling to get through
her mundane while wishing to disappear
from the world and her familiar fears

she desperately wants to reach out
but the maze she is in has no way out
she thinks it is all her parents’ fault
the reason she is here and suffers in silence
from obligations and endless expectations

she has a growing hole in her heart
never believe in fairytales from the start
from an early age, life has taught her hard
she does not like her birthday and surprises
it reminds her of her abandoned wishes

she just wants to feel good again
but she also lacks dopamine in her brain
and she likes to hide in the pouring rain
to cover her tears and underlying sadness
before she drowns herself in the blackness

My Blue Mood

I do not want to drown in blues
then you come and offer another blue
that set the whole different mood
and get me out of the winding woods

when my blue break me in two
your hue gives me something new
that can help me to get through
and forget about my circle and screws

because of your words and tunes
I also become a lover of the moon
it got me thinking that I fall too soon
now I am afraid I will be back to the gloom

in my room, I am alone trying not to
overthink that in my head, I am with you
even if I could, I do not want to undo
this feeling makes me want to continue

you have coloured my boring noon
from within, these emotions slowly consume
I do not mind it as long as I forget my wounds
now I do not think I can let go of the balloons

my moods are swinging for you
from midnight to pale sky blue
flowers have bloomed and I have no clue
when I need rescue again from my issue

and if I tell you the deepest truth
you are saved in my record of youth
because you softened my blue mood
make me feel safe and understood

Perpetual Pitch-Black Circle

I open my eyes with a heavy sigh
and again, I failed to empty my mind
I go to the rooftop to see the sunshine
try to clarify what is inside my chest
for a moment, I just want to think less
but the sky is full of grey clouds
there is no slightest blue at sight
while my heart is getting tight
it is all the same, the day and night

I see grey clouds gather like waves
I thought that I could always be here
whatever memory that I have saved
easily show up and surrounded me
the cold air suddenly becomes heavy
fear started to crawl under my skin
and thoughts in my head are spinning
I do not know what they are saying
it is all the same pattern and feeling

I am back to my room and see the ceiling
just like that spacing out without warning
still inside my head full of unsaid words
everywhere is a cruel place in this tough world
because those grey clouds stuck with me
I could not just run away to be free
I miss the way the sunlight comes through
to melt the iceberg that has broken me in two
it is all the same exhausting pain and blues

The Three Words I Always Carry For You

there are three words in my head
that easily makes my red eyes wet
when I remember those I always sad
but at the same time, I also feel glad
that words keep me awake at night
unite with the feeling that I cannot fight
a familiar longing that holds me tight

there are three words in my heart
that have already deeply carved
those words have been playing a part
to make the nights feel so long and hard
to get through because I am all alone
with a feeling that sting to the bone
it is getting heavy like thousand stones

there are three words in my mind
that other words could not define
how I have been struggling to be fine
if I could miraculously rewrite the line
to ask the Divine to let you be my company
so in this wide world, I did not feel lonely
instead, I caught up with you in memories

there are three words in my tears
that I have been carrying for years
those words could never disappear
that is how I have been keeping you near
through tears, my longing streamed
if I could meet you although in a dream
if I could see you, even if just a glimpse

there are three words within me
that sent a shiver all over my body
how I have been missing you so badly
and hoping you were here with me
I know that you want me to live happily
I will try although it would not be easy
I just miss you more than I could carry