Notes From Feelings

she was fine

every day she looks out the window
thinking how to get through tomorrow
when she has lingering sorrow
combine with the clouds that follow
wherever the places she goes

she used to like the rain
now she sees it through the windowpane
when it is pouring, the drops become pain
memories are the things that remain
and she drowns herself again

for her, every day is an endless fight
to keep a hold on to the light
although there are no stars at night
and her shadow blurs out her sight
but she tries to make everything right

she used to like to go outside
now she gets used to staying inside
there is no place for her to hide
she thought already put the past aside
still, she could not fight the tide

every day she looks out the window
with thoughts inside her mind that overflow
reminiscing the time she could not borrow
caught up in limbo and lost in the echo
just hoping that she knows where to go

is it just I or the night is darker
the stars are too far to see
let alone for me to reach
and here I am standing outside
with the pain spreading on the inside
I see the darkness in front of me
while the burden on my eyes gets heavy

just like a person said
if melancholy has weight
and it lingers on my soul
playing with my feelings
if I could see from the beginning
before you’ve burned everything
and left me with pain that sting

is it just me or time is slower
when you are in the middle of heartbroken
I keep thinking about how this could happen
not only my mind but my sight are also unclear
it’s a blur because of these tears
a sign that I can’t easily conceal
a gift from you that needs time to heal

just like you said
we know the answer has been set
for questions that we had
and dreams that remain dreams
we used to be a team
before we shed each other tears
now we let each other disappear

Heartbreak Company

standing alone on the balcony
the air that I breathe feels heavy
or maybe it is the worry inside me
or the burden that I always carry
what is in my head killing me slowly
from the distance, this city looks pretty
but, everything seems dull to me

above me, there is a wide black sea
the dark makes the light difficult to see
or maybe it is for my eyes only
to see everything differently
that moon’s light shines dimly
it seems lonely in this crowded city
I can feel the waves swaying underneath

again I am drowning in memories
the night is familiar heartbreak series
about scenes that did not go as my wish
and people that I lost whom I constantly miss
while the future is still full of mysteries
with hidden bliss and more tragedies
and a limited amount of remedies

I look at that dim moonlight, teary
the way it is looking back at me
as if knowing that I am not happy
no matter how many faces I pretend to be
at the end of the day, I breakdown silently
that moon seems to understand how to be me
or at least know about my untold story

I am still standing quietly on the balcony
and that moon becomes my silent company
to see how hard I have been managing my breath
while listening to my heartbeat makes me weep
just like the wound, the night is getting deep
I want to rest but could not even sleep
when I only have nightmares on repeat

Hopeful

from the hospital window
I see the moonlight’s shadow
while my mind thinks about tomorrow
my heart busy dealing with sorrow
and deep down I feel very sorry
to whom I love and care around me
because they have to helplessly see
the blazing pain that I quietly carry

from inside my small room ceiling
I hear the sound of the rain pouring
it is so loud as if it is repeatedly knocking
and ask to want to know how am I feeling
but things always happen the way it is been
still, sometimes I did not say what I mean
for some reason, I try so hard to not be mean
because I know the future is unforeseen

from my parent’s hushed rooftop view
I feel the blue in me unite with the sky’s hue
I fill my lungs with hope to begin anew
between the sadness to able go through
slowly I try to balance my disorder youth
everything comes and goes in moods
I know the bad will be replaced by the good
and the sky will guide me out of the wood

I Want to Write You a Letter

I want to write you a letter
as warm as a cup of tea
that your hands are holding
in the cold winter morning
a letter that explains everything
made from mixed scattered words
in my head about you and the world

it can be your secret safe place
whenever you need to hide your face
from everyone when you are not well
and you do not know how to tell
or it can be your runaway ticket
whenever you feel down and sad
and have a lot of going on in your head

I want to write you a letter
as comforting as your song
that I listened when the night is long
with the shadow that stays along
a letter that will help you feel better
when the days make you feel bitter
and your heart is sinking deeper

you can save and read it again
when you feel no one understands
just read it once more and you will know
we share the same pain and sorrow
and we help each other to grow
so, if you feel that you are on your own
you know that you never walk alone

I want to write you a letter
the one that makes you remember me
to show there are times when I am happy—
because of you and I hope you are too
a letter that you can keep forever
as a golden memory or simply a reminder
that will be stuck with us together

all the words that I want to say to you
how you have helped me to get through
and giving back is all I want to do
through that letter, I will also slip a clue
for how I feel one day when you are gone
how even after that, life must go on
still, we will never walk alone

An Abundance of Longing

my unfinished longing for you
overwhelmed me all over again
mixed with the familiar blues
that is creeping into my cold veins
while inside my busy brain
the thought of you blossom out
from within, it is you all about

this time the longing is so loud
but no words could slip from my mouth
maybe I am the one who at fault
because dive too deep into your records
to not think of you need much effort
now I caught up in feeling I cannot afford
a mission that I could not undo nor abort

in the time when there is longing
some memories are also playing
naturally without asking permission
show up as bitterly sweet temptation
become the only thing that I hold on to
because those remind me that you are true
a precious company from my golden youth

maybe this whole longing business
have created a hole that I could not fix
or maybe my mind just playing a trick
but I have not sick of it yet after all these times
because of you, I used to have a warm bliss
now I could only contain those inside my wish
and you always be the one that I miss

It Was Started Because of Words

whenever I look at you
I cannot help myself not to
remember why I am falling
voluntarily without thinking
and I will gladly tell you the truth
you are the order in my messy youth

it was not because of your face
your smile was not the first case
it was your words with rhymes
that makes me want to get your name
it was because your melodic poetries
that fill my days with blooming bliss

it was your words with noise
that make me miss your voice
it was your words from the beginning
that reach my deep inexplicable feeling
through your words, I learn to feel enough
and the reason why I am falling in love

My Kind of Solace

whenever I listen to
the familiar voice of you
I feel like I can be calm again
despite the storm and heavy rain
that has messed up my brain

whenever I listen to
the rhythmic poem made by you
I feel like I can be free to fly again
despite the pain that has enchained
my inner child and erase my innocence

whenever I listen to
every word was spoken by you
I feel like I can be whole again
despite the broken soul to mend
and heart that shattered into fragments

whenever I listen to
the sweet sound laugh of you
I feel like I am at home again
fill with only joy and feeling of content
that has lost in the fast-paced mundane

whenever I listen to
the heavenly voice of you
I feel like I can be better again
your words have helped me to understand
about self-love to keep being humane

The Melancholia Weights Within Me

it has been days when I stayed in bed
because somehow I keep feeling sad
those sadness has made my eyes red
and I feel there is a storm in my head
I could not explain it to mom and dad
mom offers me go to therapy instead
but I have no energy to face what is inside

I am tired of everyone around me
even with myself that easily get unsteady
nothing excites me the way it used to be
all I see only suffering and tragedies
when what I need are hope and remedy
the older I get, the harder to get clarity
because the only certainty is uncertainty

I wake up only to overthinking everything
I even could not rest when I am sleeping
sometimes I want to numb my feeling
day by day my mundane is getting boring
it keeps changing without changing anything
although sometimes I do not feel like living
but the simplest I could do is to keep breathing

it is getting difficult to be happy
even pretending is no longer easy
every day my mind asked endlessly
about how different tomorrow will be
I am becoming good at escaping reality
by building and caught up in my fantasy
the mechanism I made to keep my sanity

it has been days when the clouds stay
the sky outside has been grey for days
mom keeps preaching to me to pray
but, still, it does not wash my fear away
I am still lost in the darkness anyway
the older I get, the more often I am astray
life is not a game I could choose not to play

day and night are the same to me
it keeps changing but the same worry
combine with the loop of familiar anxiety
has always been succeeded make my life messy
I want to set myself free by flying from here
I do not want to die, just want to disappear
will I finally find peace and solace later?

A Habit

every morning when I wake up
the sun already up in the centre of the sky
but it seems the bed glued me to stay
I keep thinking will I be okay today
will this day be easy to get through
or it will be another day with the blues

through a screen, I can see everyone
being happy made me think am I the only one
who feels like I have abandoned and left behind
even some thoughts on my inexplicable mind
make tears run down like pouring rain
at night I struggle with the familiar pain

it seems like I’ve been standing
with my feet stuck on the ground
while everyone else is running
and got the things they wanted
I keep thinking about how to be okay
when the light inside me fade away

I know that I am not supposed to
compare my behind the scene
with someone else’s highlight reel
but I couldn’t easily ignore it too
when all I have is time and nothing to do
and that is the devastating truth

every morning when I wake up
the clouds already hanging in my head
but, I try to clear my sight from the grey
I keep thinking will be okay today
will my feet be able to move forward a bit
or will I trap in these scenes on repeat?