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Poetry might be defined as the clear expression of mixed feelings.

— Wystan H. Auden.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going. This blog is about poetry that I’ve written but, I’m not an expert though. I always love poetry, I also like to write so, I’ve combined the two ideas. I never thought that I’ll publish poetry that I’ve written but, here I am. If you stumble accidentally to this blog then, I hope that you like what you read. So, that’s it. Stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates or not, that’s your call. I hope you can enjoy whatever that you read in here.

The Way You Loved Me

it is the way you look at me
there is a light that is shimmering
with confidence and certainty
your smile has always been pretty
and you said that I will always have you
on the bright days and the stormy blues
that there is nothing to be afraid of
because being together is simply enough

it is the way you speak to me
there is a comfort in embracing
with words that melt my stubbornness
your voice has always been soothing to my edges
it sounds like a cliché, but I feel like I have known you for ages
and you proudly said that I am yours at every glance
in every chance you have to the world to see
because I am a part of you and you are a part of me

it is the way you put your hand on me
perfectly fits like it is specially built just for me
with softness and tenderness that gives me the calm
your hands have always been filled with warmth
and you said that heartbreak and pain are inevitable
but together make everything feel possible
that you will be by my side regardless of the storms and the tides
because love is the reason for you to survive and to ride

The Encore to My Downfall

I can’t let you go
as easily as coloured balloons
slipping from a young boy’s hands
no, it can’t be that easy
nor as difficult as I thought it’d be
I just need a little more time, maybe
however, I’ll find a way
just… not today
I’m not in the mood for mourning
I haven’t slept, but it’s already morning
And I’ve always been bad at reminiscing
without falling

I know I’ve been thinking too much
remembering your laughs and words
fading away with the smoke on the balcony
filling the space between you and me
I wish I could have said that day
“you can leave if you really want to
and I can forget you, if I really have to
because nothing is the same as it used to”
but silence is what I’m best at
keeping my feelings— my constant downfall
now I look at my vulnerable wall
that stands enormous before me

and I can’t sleep without diving
into the depths of thoughts that haunt me
grieving a story with a predictable ending
a pattern that I can’t always see with clarity
you burn my heart with the same flame I fell for
yet a part of me still begs for the encore
though you’re a thousand miles away
I feel you with me every day
sooner or later, I’ll step out of the grey
awake to a truth that slaps me in the face
that I love you a bit too much, or not at all—
because you will always be my downfall

My Favourite View

your favourite view is watching the sun
sink in the horizon as the day is done
the combination of gold, orange, and blue hues
put your mind at ease and give you solace too
and i agree before i have found something new
mine is no less beautiful than your favourite view
when the morning light is coming through
piercing curtains and kissing your skin
while you wander lost in your dream
it bathes your skin in a golden gleam
with a gentle breeze is a comforting bliss
and all i feel inside is the long-lost peace
you are the puzzle that fills my missing piece
i want to freeze the time to stay like this
you are just so gorgeous when you sleep
i could listen forever to your heartbeat
or looking at the way you peacefully breathe
i feel safe beside you under the sheets
what a heavenly view to start the day anew
i hope you can see it for yourself too
and it will always be my favourite view

The Paradox of Loving You in the Dark

I do not know whether
I love you more in the morning
when the light comes through
and fall on your solemn face
or in the breathless afternoon
when my shoulder feels heavy
with endless responsibilities
while time feels stuck in its place
or maybe I love you more at night
when I dream with my eyes open and
imagining that I can write my own lines
only in my head do I see myself smiling more

I do not know how to get your attention
when out there, many girls are better
in every aspect that I lack myself of
while my speciality is being a paradox
or how to match myself with you
when we are on different levels of status
when you consist of warmth and joy
while I am winter in December
I do not know how to win your heart
and love you any better than those girls
whose will voluntarily stand in line
even before you bother to ask them to

I do not know how to keep you
not to fall from the height above there
If flying is a dream that you keep chasing
and you are getting out of my little reach
or how to embrace and charge your energy
when I barely have the spirit to keep me going
and all I can offer just my humble presence
as a company who will always wholeheartedly listen
I also do not know how to wash away your fears
when I am struggling to overcome mine
and I only have cliche words to say
that I will be here and we will be okay

I do not know how to let you go
if thinking about you gives me more sorrow
imagining the future becomes a kind of nostalgia
that cover my days and nights in blue
or how to accept the bitter truth
even if you have coloured my youth
and give me butterflies in my stomach
but you started to turn into a poison
or how to quit you in a painless way
even if there is such a thing in this world
but it seems not possible for my heart
because you already built a home there

I do not know how to say farewell
when I am not feeling well at all
with rivers in the corner of my eyes
and dopamine that does not work anymore
or how to bury everything about you
underneath time that will keep ticking forward
while half of me wilts in abandoned dreams
and that is another name that I save for you
or how to live my life to keep going on
when I have to wake up to the reality
that I have been living in Neverland for too long
because that is how I want my life to be with you

I do not know whether
I love you more when days get tough
with nightmares that visit me often
that makes me want to lost in the ocean
or when the sky is cloudless solid blue
with a gentle breeze that soothes my mind
just like your voice that I always miss
and your laugh that feels like a magical bliss
or maybe I love you more at the break of dawn
when solitude befriend with tranquil silence
when the dark and the light meet in the middle
and you are saved within me forever

Of Brokenness and Beauty

I open my eyes and see the light
the day born anew with the same night
the sky is blue, but I still have to fight
and I no longer try to make something right
what is already broken cannot be fixed
there is nothing such as a magical pill for the sick
I know it now to help me feel calm in the panic

I made a fresh start out of forgiveness
to accept the come-and-go waves of sadness
underneath that mixed up with the darkness
of my inexplicable mind as the busiest—
place that keeps running in a million directions
even if I do not have a clear intention or ambition
I just keep walking hoping will find my reason

melancholy still weighs on my shoulders
my invisible fears are getting louder
the older I get, the more I easily surrender
because I cannot always put my mind into order
my life is a sequence of tragedy and beauty
chaos will always be an inseparable part of me
even with it, I still can smile and be happy

I open my eyes and see the night
the day passed by with different sight
the storm passes by and gives in the new light
my mood is still blue, but I have to continue to write
about all the things that make my chest tight
I am still living with a chemical imbalance in my head
and life still knows how to make my eyes wet

but still, I rise, with trembling hands,
unravelling threads of life I understand—
not as perfect, nor as planned, I just trust the time
I remind myself to walk with hope not expectations
although I am still questioning my existence in silence
but each day is a new chance to try and learn acceptance

The Space You Left Behind

the older I grow, the faster time slips away
everything feels like it was just yesterday
but I realise sometimes life is just a game
and all was starting simply with your name
a fleeting spark that set my heart aflame
when you played a part in making me smile
slowly, I cost myself to fit into your style
you were a character in every chapter
now the book is done and no ever after

my admiration turns into an obsession
I put you first and anything else is second
our conversations turn into a poison
that prisoned me under denial and illusion
that we are eternally living in dreams
that you and I are forever a team
my head was clouded with pretty words
and naively, I saw you as my whole world
I even have no time to prepare for the worst

my eyes wide awake feeling the desperation
that force my brain to think about the reasons
or any make-sense explanation to give answers
to the questions that keep pulling me under
I have tried so hard to understand but now, I surrender
with a tainted heart that is no longer whole
because you have left a big deep hole
as farewell that prevents me from being well
how I was in heaven and now stranded in hell

when I close my eyes all I see is what I need
but the ones that I know I can never reach
all good times are disappearing like the credit scene
there is only me on the wide black empty screen
if only I could easily say what I truly mean
now you are no longer part of my routine
yet the pain is a sign that I can’t cut you clean
with memories playing like a broken record
to smile is a simple thing that I can’t afford

the older I get, the faster days pass by
maybe one day I will stop asking myself why
or how could we drift so far away with nothing to say
and the way loneliness made me like a castaway
but one day, the ache will no longer remain
and hearing your name won’t bring me any pain
everything changes, nothing stays the same
because the sun is always shining somewhere
all I have to do is keep walking to get there

Why Had You Let Me Go?

there are a lot of things in my head
that I want to say to you instead
of keeping them circling around inside
questions I do not dare enough to ask
and wishes that stuck behind the mask
I still have so many emotions remaining, you see?
the most painful are the ones you couldn’t see
I tried to tell but explaining things is not my speciality
sometimes words can’t reach what’s underneath
so I only gave you the surface of the story
wrapped with an abundance of the word sorry

I remember you were just standing there
while on the other side, I grasped for an air
I said that I didn’t care but I was so scared
because I have something I couldn’t easily share
and I wish you said anything to make me stay
I wish you didn’t let me run away that day
I wish you didn’t let me stumble into the grey
I wish you didn’t let me go and saw me leave
now I don’t know how to deal with this grief
because I am losing you and half of me
I lost a version of me that I hoped I would be

and I never see my reflection in the mirror again
I don’t know how to survive the horror and the pain
instead, I look at the blue ceiling above me
I thought it would help to put my heartache at ease
but it reminds me of the cloudless sky that day
I wish that you didn’t let me become a castaway
I still wish that you convince me in every way
that I am getting better and you will wait
that this nauseating sickness is not my fixed fate
I wish I could undo time so I don’t have to go through
the agony of losing someone as good as you

there are a lot of regret and guilt piled up in me
and disappointment in you for letting me leave
how could you make letting go seem so easy?
while I am trying so hard to properly breathe
you were my shelter before made me shed tears
and you made come true one of my biggest fears
I used to have you as my safe place when I needed space
now I am back being trapped in the familiar maze
without you here, it’s tough to face this phase
I wish we never separate ways but I can only pray
for both of us, may happiness not be too far away

Long Lost Love

it all started with a shared bewilderment
combined with a pinch of disappointment
to people and layers of unspoken irritation
to anyone else except sometimes to each other
the shared pressure in the same environment
that makes both of us always fulfil people’s expectations
in that shared struggle, a closeness grew through interaction
along the way perhaps from that point then spread
the curiosity in you blooms like peonies in spring
you once thought that I was mysteriously interesting
because at the very first date for the first time words flow
I laid my messy heart bare for you to know
to give you a picture that I am not a simple person
that beneath the surface invisible waves run deep
that there is a side of me you might not be ready to meet
before you commit yourself to something and someone
that has befriended the dark and hidden under the sun

it all continues with conversations between subways
exchanging secrets and planning places to visit together
from shyly asking me out to taking me home
from the similarity that we have to the familiarity I found in you
I thought that you could lighten my unchanging blues
time goes by with the unavoidably changing of seasons
things change and people change sometimes for no reason
I’m tired of trying and you won’t hear any explanation
the moment you are no longer willing to take me home
when your curiosity faded into indifference
when the focus and spotlight shifted to only yourself
when thinking about you made me shed tears
out of all the people who knew about my fears
you didn’t dispel them but made them real
and I realise that I already know everything too well
from the start, there was a part of me that could tell
that this too will crumble before ends in farewell

we began by exchanging consolation in desperation
and find our little joy out of the miserable situations
I thought it was love but I foolishly misunderstood
that I already have way too deep to get into the mood
we could have all the dreams that we’ve dreamed about
it all seems beautifully planned before you and I have doubt
you see the world through fears and overworked your brain to think
and I don’t think that I could understand the way you complicate things
because you always made up scenes for the future inside your head
occupied with expectations to meet and the standard you’ve set
you said that every day feels like walking on a thin thread
and you are tired of dealing with pressures that haunt you to bed
I can relate to you but instead, I said nothing and chose just to listen
because I know that you have already made your decision in silence
I fell for you even though a part of me knew that you would be gone
I love you but turns out we are not compatible enough to hold on
I miss you and I know even without you, my life has to go on

Moonlight Reflections

I lie beneath the moon’s soft, glowing light
while distant stars remain in silent flight
tonight’s main character is the moon
while I am just an observer from my room
struggle to quiet a mind that’s in disarray
yet my heart brims with emotions that sway
and my soul drowns in the wide ocean of grey

that moon conjures memories of someone dear
who has made a home within my thoughts clear
his therapeutic words cling like a gentle embrace
melodies seeping through, bringing peace to my space
and put my nerves at ease to feel the serenity
when my head was overwhelmed with uncertainty
he gives me the light to keep me steady

I recall someone who rekindled my faith in love
after grief had shattered me, a push from above
someone who has a gentle soothing smile
who has motivated me to walk another mile
when the darkness locks me on the inside
to fight the tide that seems never subside
but his poetry helps me to step out into the daylight

I remember someone who mirrors spring’s embrace
with blooming flowers and birds in grace
a blessing that I thought only existed in a dream
a saviour that mended my broken esteem
but his presence is real only without a pair of wings
through him, I have found a reason to keep going
to have hope in facing whatever the world brings

I am still lying beneath the moon’s gentle gaze
time seems infinite in the night’s quiet haze
and I don’t think that I can just stop
remembering about him and shutting it off
without feeling a hint of underlying sadness
some souls are destined to collide with the universe
but are not destined to be each other happiness

A Story Untold in Search of the Rainbow

there is a river at the corner of my eyes
streaming endlessly down my face
my brain has grown immune to lies
whenever I say I am fine, it’s a wasted grace
what has already been lost cannot be replaced

there is a raging war in my head I cannot fight
a familiar storm that grips my chest tight
the dark clouds obscure the path of my sight
the days ahead of me consist only of nights
and a map of my soul that I cannot make right

there are waves hidden inside me
and an unknown giant iceberg underneath
there are wounds that no one can see
countless breakdowns become familiar scenes
I could not wake up from it because it was not a dream

there are thousands of me inside
layers of selves, identities weaved
with burdens and hopes that I always carry
trying to put up the puzzles into a story
still, I am feeling lost in this weary reality

there is a river at the corner of my eyes
I wipe it with my sleeve, but it never dries
life isn’t always bright, wise and nice
but I have to keep rolling the dice
hoping one day a rainbow will rise

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