Notes From Feelings

The Palette of Blue for the Book of You

if I pour out everything I have inside
it would cost me the whole book
words that describe the feelings and emotions
when you became my world at one moment
because you were worth that much to me
sentences that have been buried within me
pages of paragraphs to write about you
and I will choose the palette of blue
to represent my whole inexplicable mood

my eyes have burned and blurred
tears and laughter take turns between days
sometimes at night too, I just cannot help but to
my brain has its own circuit in the gallery of you
as if thinking about you is as natural as breathing
and remembering your name is the easiest thing
I have never known that longing has weight before
as much as words that were left unsaid behind my tongue
and those blues weigh on my soul in every way possible

because of you, I see the wavelength of the colour blue
from indigo to an azure sky that drowns in a sunset hue
and I remember you once said that blue is the colour of love
an overrated emotion that you once caught a glimpse of
but too afraid to fall deeper into it because you know the cost
the risk and consequence that you think cannot afford to pay
lose something and someone you once cared about the most
to become memories that you revisit as if happened yesterday
no matter how dark the blue is, I know that you will be okay

the thing is, even if I pour everything inside
there is no guarantee that I could finish what I started
because you have scored my heart and I see no end
in this sweet suffering that I chose to get through
to be in love with you and stuck in this familiar blue
I am still trying to learn how to turn this feeling into words
but maybe, maybe, no language suits you enough
and perhaps the feeling I have for you is too much to fight
someday it will cost me my blue heart and that’s alright

Point of Departure

I see your face and for the umpteenth time
my heart burns to pieces
even though it is not the real your face
that I fix my eyes on now
it is a mere picture from a lifetime ago
that still holds a place in me
you sat next to me with a smile
that lights up the whole city
and it is still the same as when
the last time I saw you days ago
but the difference is
that I no longer belong to the city
to the place where there were many traces
and memories made by the two of us

it is funny, how the word ‘us’
used to stick to you and me
as if no matter what will happen
we are one and will always be
but the reality is not called the truth
if it is not cruel enough to ruin
all the dreams and plans and hopes
and all the things that we try to build
all I know is that everything is over
in a breath of wind
in a blink of an eye
it’s easier to break things, promises, hearts, and people
than to try to fix them, right?
I know, it is easier to leave than
to hold on to the things that are no longer real

my hands hurt from holding on to the rope too long
while gathering all the ashes
from pieces of my burning and broken heart
that can no longer fit us
although inside my head
I know that I will look for excuses to keep you
but now is the time to let go of everything
that relates to you, every single thing
not all at once, I am not that strong yet
I am not that ready to lose all at once
I will move forward slowly, at my own pace
with the remaining strength to let go
we have done all we could to survive
and now I have to do all I can to remain alive

Heartbreak is a Circle

the thing is, I know that he loves her way too deep
meanwhile, I only have heartbreak and aches that I keep
as a reminder that what I feel is real not just a mere phase
because I can no longer arrange words into phrases
I just get lost in places that no longer hold our traces
the thing is, his face has been engraved inside my head
with his signature smile that can set my heart ablaze
still circling inside the no-way-out maze trying to forget
but I remember his name as I remember my own
and I have never long this much for a person who is still alive
the thing is, I don’t know since when he controls my heartbeat
all I know suddenly thinking about him became my habit
and the gratitude I feel every time my lungs let go of my breath
because I know that I stand under the same sky as him
and fall under the spell that I don’t know where it came from
the thing is, I know I could only admire his back
because his face is way too dangerous to look at
and his smile has never been mine in the first place
I was never be his first place even though he was to me
here I go again circling in the maze with pain that is still in place

An Observer Lover

I’m staring at the blue ceiling again
while my brain wanders in a daydream
when I supposed to close my eyes and rest
but thoughts keep flooding into this mess
and thinking about you is what I do best

I do not know why they keep showing up
it isn’t like I purposely want to spiral into them
lately, the longing often comes without warning
the missing hours become longer than in the beginning
at midnight, the torture is getting real and daunting

I know it will never get easy from the start
I can only become an observer lover at heart
and to be drawn to your art is my favourite part
sometimes it is enough to expel the nightmares away
sometimes I want to take your hands and just run away

I can look away from the blue ceiling above
but the blue inside is something I cannot shake off
I thought that wanting to be with you was a simple thing
but even if I give everything, I’ll end up with nothing
because it is not enough to just have a feeling

I have many reasons to take a step back and leave
but those moments in memories help me to breathe
although you are getting out of my reach and limit
you are not someone that I can just easily quit
who knows that I have dived into you this deep

I always celebrate your birthday excitedly
while I hate to even remember my own
through the wind, I wish you that this world
treat your eyes kindly with care not a curse
that you’ll find hope even in the worst words

somehow thinking of you makes me less scared
it would be nice if you think of me too out there
I think it will be nice if I don’t think and you are here
but now the moon and stars have disappeared
yet, in my heart and mind, you are still vividly clear

My Favourite Colour

I once asked what is your favourite colour
and you said it was blue like the summer sky
it gives you a calm feeling and wanna learn to fly
or the sparkling ocean bathed in the sunlight
that reminds you of hope in the darkest night
or your favourite faded-old-worn-out jeans
that gives you comfort to do your routine

later I asked about your favourite colour again
and you said it was green like tree leaves
seeing them helps you to properly breathe
or the wet dewy grass in the morning of spring
that you like to lay on while thinking of nothing
or the lights in your studio room’s ceiling
that light you while you try to manage your feelings

then later I asked your favourite colour again
and you said it was grey like an overcast sky
that gives you fear of falling from the highest high
or the surface of the sea before the storm strikes
that haunt your dreams and reality at midnight
or a few strands of your hair that you can’t hide
that reminds you forever is not on anyone’s side

after that, I never asked you the question again
because it is hard for me to see you in pain
and struggle with something you can’t easily explain
I tried to bring the blue and green to your mundane again
but, rebuilding from the ashes needs an infinite time
I wish I had the power to keep the goods just the same
to crystallise and eternalise them in the picture-frames

a long time ago you once asked about mine
I just smile quietly while looking at you
there is a peculiar warmth inside your eyes
that was more comforting than the blue skies
although now I could only see them through pictures
I hope the world treats your eyes kinder and better
for me, your eyes will always be my favourite colour

I Could Suddenly Cry Just Looking at You

I could suddenly cry just looking at you
for a reason that I don’t know how to
explain with words that flooding in my head
words that easily come in than to be said
but not enough to describe what is in my heart
because it is always hard to try to define an art

I read somewhere that art suppose to
make you feel something, especially the truth
rather than only seeming gorgeous but empty
rather than seem splendour but only temporary
and by just looking at you I feel something
it is enough reminder that I am still living

I could suddenly cry just looking at you
for you are so beautiful even inside the blues
I could paint you blending with the sunset hue
from above, your light will warm me through
and I know there is a distance beyond my reach
I know you are a dream that I can never achieve

you are too serene for my messy self
way too gracious to dive into my depth
because I seem reserved on the surface
yet underneath it, there are the raging waves
with an unsolved maze inside my loaded head
and series of unheard crying of asking for help

I could suddenly cry just looking at you
because you make me feel like born anew
yet people like me tend to break beautiful things
for I am the sun which will burn your wings
in a flame and make you fall to the cold ground
in the end, I am the one who pulls you down

although I desperately want to be with you
I keep myself in the distance to save you
because I know what’s running in my veins
and I don’t want to burden you with my pain
or inflict you with the worry of my inexplicable mind
only inside the dream I can make you mine

I could suddenly cry just looking at you
for you are giving me hope to get through
while the only thing that I can do to give it back
is to fight not to lose myself in the black
they say that art will continue to live forever
and you will live on in me until the hereafter

The Only Moment When I am Happily Thinking

I know that thoughts are heavy
and I easily overthink the unnecessary
especially at night when my sight is empty
but from all the thoughts that consume me
to thinking of you is my favourite kind
I am fully aware that you cannot be mine
still you rent-free in my inexplicable mind

the thing is, I am happy to think of you
from midnight until the sun breaks through
I am happy to see the day begin anew
how the morning rises covered in dew
and to see coffee resembles your iris
also to feel the cool gentle breeze
can flutter my heart in a simple bliss

to thinking of you, I am happy, it is true
the sky somehow looks brighter blue
the sunset blended in a golden hue
I am happy to feel the world slowly moves
and the night becomes full of stars than usual
then I realise that not all beauty is ephemeral
it strikes me how your smile is essential

thinking of you makes me happy
it makes my eyes see things differently
even just in my room but I do not lonely
because you are saved within me
and when the thoughts of you stay
magically, it keeps the nightmares away
as if you want to make sure that I am okay

you make me happy thinking
about how fortunate one is to be living
with the hope to hold to keep believing
also keep counting everyday blessings
and I am happy to realise how lovely
your creations of words work for me
like a therapy that helps me to be free

to thinking of you makes me happy
because I can escape from reality
although sadly just for temporary
but that is the way I can manage my sanity
and I want to say many things in my head
but I cannot arrange the words to describe
how you keep my heart from being sad

I am aware that thoughts are heavy
sometimes they drag and weigh on me
especially when my soul feels melancholy
but from all the thoughts that flooded me
the thought of you consoles my day
bring purple to cover my clouded grey
and I am happy is all I want to say

What I Choose For Me

spring has passed by quickly
and now summer will be ready
the sun will shine more brightly
I feel the air getting warmer gradually
I hope good days will come immediately
because I miss those times when I
playing joyfully and dreaming to fly
between white clouds in the blue sky

although winter has gone already
but I still feel the cold around me
which sometimes brings back memories
that sticks with me after all these years
for some days as comfort remedies
and other days as torture that sting
even on this edge of the reserved spring
like a shadow, the chilly is still following

but I said to myself that I will be okay
it is about time the summer on its way
the bad things will not always stay
and I will be happy again one day
just like what everyone always says
that there will be a rainbow after the rain
there will not be a smile without pain
and don’t believe everything in your brain

the season will repeat all the same
the days will change to the usual name
the difference is only about the flame
that burning inside us, is it still the same?
to help us picture the future in a frame
and I know how difficult it can be
to manage the sparks when the reality
turn bitter the way we didn’t expect to be

but I also know that we all are stronger
the world has taught us to become a fighter
even there is no such thing as an easy surrender
we all share the same wounds together
and will rebuild again to become better
the cold may still linger but it won’t disturb me
because I know the choice is always on me
and now I choose to be happy for me

My Personal Magical Bliss

through your melodic words
you have taken over my world
and have reached the part of me
that has not easily opened to see
through your alluring poetries
you have given me the warm bliss
that have melted my cold edges
which have been sharpened for ages

you have helped me to find a place
where I can freely walk at my own pace
a space that does not feel like a complex maze
my runaway ticket from my intricate mess
you have helped me to keep floating
amid the darkness that is blinding
you are shinning golden light
that guide me through the night

because you are like home to me
you show me things I miss to see
although you are not always here
hearing your voice could calm my fear
to me, your words work like therapy
through them, I found the most magical remedy
and I will always be grateful for my choice
to have found you amidst all the noises

you do not have to be mine
for occupied my inexplicable mind
because you already did it from the start
your soft simple smile has played a part
to make my cold heart flutter again
when I thought that nothing has remained
you have helped me to get through hell
by showing me how to love myself well

At Midnight

midnight is always the time
when I can finally make you mine
although it happens only in my mind
but it feels like we are on the same line
I see you in dreams, flowers, and the sea
I feel you in the breeze, songs, and heartbeat
and you slowly make me hard to breathe
because this admiration turns into greed
brainwash myself that you’re the one that I need

lost in daydreams and imagination
wander between scenes and reasons
I don’t believe in love, but you’re the exception
now this feeling stays the same in every season
I want to hold your wide cold hands so bad
I want to listen about things that make you sad
and with you together chase the sunset
I want you by my side, not only inside my head
but, with a distance is the closest to you I can get

I want to be on your routine and timeline too
a person you come to when you’re feeling blue
the first you think of when days begin anew
but I know that I have a limit on the things I can do
to just looking at you behind the fixed line
with wishes for you to be well and I’ll be fine
if love ain’t for us, maybe that’s how it designed
keeping you in my heart, maybe that’s how it destined
whatever happens, midnight always be the time